Kris Rants: flying is the worst


Whenever you want to travel somewhere far away, maybe out of state, or even out of the country, the first thing you think of is booking a flight. So that’s exactly what you do, you book a flight, drive to the airport, then for the next couple of hours you completely hate your life and everyone around you. Being at the airport, you can just see the worst type of people on the planet, and that’s not even half of it. For this article, I will be telling all the reasons why flying is terrible.

First off, let’s just get this out of the way immediately, the people inside the airport and on the planes make me want to bang my head on my desk. Why is that? Allow me to tell you. Now, when you get to a certain age you make a very unsettling discovery. You discover that people are idiots. Now, I’m not talking about anyone who works for the LHS newspaper, well at least most of the workers, or the people who read its content, the Lanier Times staff and readers are a very intellectual group of people. The average person on the other hand will have you questioning how they graduated middle school. You can’t tell me you’ve never seen a person try to fit their bag in the overhead bin when it clearly doesn’t fit and they can just put it under their seat. Why must you subject my eyes to your stupidity? What are you contributing to society?

Another really annoying thing is the seats on the plane itself. Who made those god-awful seats? I am fully convinced that whoever made those seats originally made them as a torture method. They are uncomfortable, cramped, they barely recline, and they are close to the seat in front of you. I am 6’2”, I need legroom, but whenever I’m on a plane that’s not an option.

Something else about planes is the bathrooms. I went to the bathroom on a plane once, and ever since then I will never enter another airplane bathroom because they are filthy. I’m not even going to bother describing my experience with that bathroom because I don’t feel like vomiting. To make all of this even worse for me personally, I fly Spirit Airlines. I am fully convinced that every Spirit plane is made out of aluminum foil and is held together by duct tape and chewing gum. If a Spirit plane is in the air, the slightest gust of wind could cause the airplane to have an earthquake, so much so to the point where it feels like the plane is flapping its wings. If a Spirit plane were to ever crash into a building, the building would be fine. The only thing that would be damaged is the plane itself. If you fly Spirit like me, then just be prepared to meet the Holy Ghost because you might die. I’m not even halfway done and I’m already mentally drained just writing about this.
Something else that grinds my gears about flying is TSA and airport security. Now, I’m not saying that we don’t need airport security and that it’s not extremely important, because it is. Especially after the tragic events of 9/11, a heartbreaking event in American history that made us realize that we needed much better airport security, but it’s still annoying though. Please tell me why I can’t take a full-size lotion bottle onto the plane? Whose life are you going to save by giving me ashy elbows? I also can’t take water bottles onto the plane either. So not only do my elbows look like sawdust, but I’m also dehydrated. Seriously, I have eczema, I need water in my system. I’m not about to say all this to an actual TSA worker because I’m kinda afraid of them. Why am I afraid of them? They have the authority to perform a cavity search on you. Who in their right mind would give anyone the proper authority to search for objects that are inside your body? Especially when they are allegedly in your buttocks. That makes me uncomfortable, nobody should be able to do that. To make things worse they are so inconsistent. Have you ever gone to the airport and they ask you to take your shoes off and step into the metal detector, and after that, you get your shoes back? The reason they do this is that sometimes people make bombs out of shoelaces and it’s an actual problem. Ok, I understand that, but what I don’t understand is how sometimes they tell someone, “You don’t have to take your shoes off this time.” Are shoelace bombs not a problem then? Or were they never a problem in the first place? If they were never a problem then why did we have to take our shoes off and walk around this cold, dirty, and slippery airport floor without our shoes?

Something else about the airport that destroys my brain functionality is baggage claim. Baggage claim must be the most inconsistent thing ever to exist. I swear the people working for baggage claim are all either 95 years old, lazy, or had too many energy drinks because they’re either overwhelmingly slow or insanely fast. Sometimes it’s too fast and they mess up some things you keep in your bag. Do they just play catch with your bags at baggage claim? There is no possible way that they handle your luggage with care. The interviews for baggage claim must go like this:
Interviewer- “So what will you do when you’re handed someone else’s luggage and it is said to handle it delicately?”
Interviewee- “I’m going to beat it up with a metal bat, kick it around like a soccer ball, try to skate on it, then I’m going to throw it out the airplane like a baseball.”
Interviewer- “You’re hired!”
Nobody can tell me that’s not how they interview their potential workers. The only qualification you need to have to work at an airport is to exist, that’s it.

Although airports can make traveling more convenient, they are also one of the most rage-inducing things on the planet. There must be something deeply wrong with you if you genuinely like flying.